


A Nightmare

by fenellaevangela



Category: Fake News FPF, The Nightmare Before Christmas
Genre: Character!Stephen Colbert, Community: brain_asplode, Crossover, Gen, Report 'verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-28
Updated: 2010-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-06 18:54:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/56757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenellaevangela/pseuds/fenellaevangela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christmas Eve arrives and brings Stephen whole new things to repress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bigfish05](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=bigfish05), [colbertobsessed](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=colbertobsessed).



The Christmas season started earlier every year. With it came Hallmark ornaments, fruitcake, carollers, and a calculated effort by the Liberal Bureaucracy to suppress the faith of God-fearing Americans. This was bad enough on a normal year, with the pinkos shoving 'Happy Holidays' down everyone's throats, but at least Stephen knew how to fight back against that.

(He shouted. His 'Merry Christmas' was an average of six decibels louder than the 'Happy Holidays' of liberal pundits.)

This year Stephen didn't know _what_ to do.

"Jon. _Jon_." He gripped the phone tighter. "Jon, pick up! How can you sleep when a treasured American icon is being dragged through the mud by a -"

"Stephen?"

"Jon!"

"Stephen, it's the middle of the night. I told you to stop calling me so late."

Stephen peeked through the keyhole of his bedroom closet, where he had been hiding since the reports started.

"Jon," he said, whispering into the phone. "Haven't you been watching the news? There's a - an imposter! Pretending to be Santa Claus! _Ruining Christmas!_"

"News? What network? Wait a minute, I'll turn on the T.V. in the living room ..."

But before Jon could reach his television Stephen heard a rustling sound coming from his bedroom. Peering out through the keyhole again he stared in horror as a brutally thin set of legs appeared in his fireplace. Stephen's iPhone clattered to the floor.

"Oh God, oh God, _why_ did I need a fireplace in the bedroom? Why didn't I think of the risks? Now I'm going to be killed by holiday terrorists. The Colbert Nation will never be the sa_AHHH_!"

"Hello there, sonny! Merry Christmas!"

The door swung open and Stephen found himself face-to-knees with, with...

"Please don't hurt me," Stephen begged, throwing himself at the mercy of the horrible thing before him.

"Hurt you? Of course I won't hurt you!" The creature laughed good-naturedly and Stephen flinched. "Don't you recognize me?"

Stephen looked the being over - tall and as thin as a rail, dressed all in red and, though Stephen could barely stomach to look at it, a bare skull where its face should be. He shook his head.

"Why, it's me! Good ol' Sandy Claws! Here." The impersonator handed Stephen a festive package and then, after ruffling the pundit's hair, disappeared back up the chimney.

"Stephen? Stephen!"

Still in shock, Stephen picked up his iPhone and placed it to his ear. "Huh?" he said.

"Stephen, I thought I heard you yelling."

"I ..." Stephen looked down at the little package his intruder had left behind. He got up and tossed it into the super-convenient and totally necessary incinerator he had had installed after getting his own show.

"Are you still there?"

Jon's voice brought Stephen's attention back to the phone. "Oh, Jon. I ... just had a nightmare. I must have eaten too much Americone Dream before bed! You know how that is."

"I know - ? But Stephen, if it was a dream, then how -"

"It was a dream! I was _not_ ambushed by a ghoul in a Santa suit. Think about it, Jon; that just doesn't make sense."

Stephen chose to interpret the silence on the other end of the line as agreement, and hung up before reality could contradict him.

He then headed into his den, where the television was still on. A groggy Anderson Cooper was explaining to his viewers exactly what the Air Force was doing to capture the fake Santa Claus that was tormenting the country.

"- And, please, we urge everyone to stay indoors and remember to block your fireplaces -"

Clicking off the television set, Stephen headed back to bed.

"It was a dream. Of course it was a dream. Suck it up, Col-bert, you're not going to let a _dream_ get to you ..."


End file.
